A wise man once said, “Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.” While I’m not one to listen to men, especially not wise ones, this one gave me pause. I thought to myself, what is something that I, for the life of me, cannot figure out? My brain’s response was almost automatic: my love life. It’s fine, you can laugh. Over the past few months, I’ve realized that romance is not in the cards for me. And while it pains me to admit this, it might be because I’m the problem, and you might be too. But hey, acceptance is the first step, so I must be doing something right.
Now this isn’t some “woe is me, everyone hates me” realization — it’s actually been pretty empowering. Once I stopped blaming everyone else for my dating life, or lack thereof, everything became clearer. I wasn’t a magnet for walking red flags; I was their common denominator.
My Credentials
Like any good professor, I’ve done my research in the field and drawn up some interesting conclusions. I’ve been single for about three years, and I’ve had two boyfriends — a high school one that barely counts, and a college one that counts for many. The latter, as often happens in college, was a messy, toxic on-and-off relationship that ultimately ended because there was another girl in the picture (ouch). After I freed myself from those chains, I tried the apps and went on a few dates, but nothing serious ever came from it. It wasn’t until my senior year of college, though, that I realized I was spending time with guys who eerily reminded me of my ex. And, surprise, surprise, I never felt good about myself afterwards, so that raised a flag.
Noticing the Pattern
In my last semester of college, I was ghosted by a guy I wasn’t even interested in. I’m no stranger to ghostings, as I’ve doled out a few myself, but this particular one stung like no other. Why, you ask? Because I saw it coming, yet I was still surprised. My typical pattern with talking stages or relationships always starts with the other party showing interest, and I reluctantly give them a chance because I’m either bored or curious (lethal combination). Then, I proceed to get way too emotionally or physically attached, and then “out of nowhere” they pull away, and I’m back to square one — alone, sad, and very confused.
Throughout the years, I’ve blamed countless things for men’s behavior, from insecurities to mommy issues, and even to our Venus signs being incompatible. And while those things may be true, I was using them to deflect from my poor decision-making. I wasn’t unlucky in love; I was just ignoring my intuition and facing the consequences. What’s so bad about that? Everyone’s gotta learn, right? Well, it turns out that when you ignore your gut too much, you break your own trust and lose your control — making it easy for anyone to shatter your self-worth by simply pressing that unfollow button.
However, in this case, I was fed up. I couldn’t believe that I was experiencing the same thing AGAIN, and on my last semester of college, for God’s sake. So, after many crying sessions into my roommate’s arms, much-needed therapy appointments, and infinite queues of Chapell Roan’s “Casual,” I picked myself up and finally took some accountability.
While it was tempting to never trust a man again and become a recluse to protect my feelings, that’s not how I want to live. So, I came up with some tips and tricks to improve my dating mindset and avoid falling into old habits.
Tip #1: You’re in the penthouse, they’re in the basement.
Whenever someone new comes into your life, they’re starting from the ground up. They have to put in the effort to get to know you, earn your respect, and add value to your life before they become a priority. Visualize yourself at the top of a skyscraper, and your closest relationships live on the same floor. On lower floors, there might be acquaintances, distant relatives, friends you lost touch with — people who are relatively neutral in your life. Logically, if a new person enters the building, you’re not giving them access to the penthouse. So, they have to prove themselves before they even step foot in that elevator.
The only way they can climb up the floors is by planning dates, open communication, checking in, or anything you prioritize in a significant other. If they’re not meeting those standards or you simply don’t want them in your penthouse, feel free to evict them and move on. It’s your building, remember?
Tip #2: Treat them how they treat you.
If a guy only texts you at 2 a.m. on the weekends, don’t you dare text him at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. Intentions are often very clear, yet we tend to ignore them because we see what we want to see. However, that blind spot starts with confusion, which quickly leads to overthinking and even obsessing. To know where you stand, simply look at their actions and listen to their words. If they align with your wants, then go ahead, but always keep their same energy. No more, no less.
Tip #3: Send the weird emoji.
This might contradict the last point, but let me explain. You can maintain the same energy with someone while also being yourself. If you want to add that weird, niche emoji you love at the end of a text, feel free. If you’re not a big texter, voice note away. If you want to talk about Taylor Swift when they ask about your favorite artist, yap away. You should be completely comfortable being yourself with any person who wants to come into your life, let alone a significant other. And if you have to shy away from your interests or change the way you text to be more palatable for someone, then I’m sorry to break it to you, but that’s not the person for you.
Tip #4: You can’t control another person.
…no matter how badly you want to. This is the hardest, yet most important lesson I’ve had to internalize. People are weird and unpredictable as is, and when you add things like feelings and attraction into the mix, they get even weirder. Sometimes, I used to have an entire plan for how my weekend was going to go, including who I would “accidentally” run into, or “drunk” text. When things wouldn’t go my way (because duh), I would get angry at the person for not following the plan that they had no idea existed. Psycho, I know.
It takes something catching you completely off guard to get rid of this mindset, and let’s just say I had a lot of surprises coming my way — ones I couldn’t fathom planning out. I learned that the only thing I could control was how I reacted and moved forward. I could choose to live in the past and curse someone’s entire bloodline (still tempting), or I could take a deep breath and find freedom in my lack of control.
Tip #5: Being honest is not being a bitch.
My roommate would kill me if I didn’t credit her for this advice, as she recited it to me time and time again when I was too “nice” to speak my mind. As an anxious girly, I already overthink any social interaction, so imagine my nerves when I had to reject someone. If the chemistry or compatibility was off, I created so many excuses just so I didn’t have to confront that I wasn’t that into them. I was scared of coming off like a bitch, so I would flirt back and play along to the point where I was in too deep to come out unscathed. And where did that get me? You guessed it! Ghosted and hurt, once again. Because, on the contrary to women, men don’t care if they come off as bitches… must be nice.
So, if they can do it, why can’t we? I’m doing them a kindness with my rejection because they’re no longer wasting their time, and can run along to someone who might actually like them. And if your honesty is considered “bitchy,” then that’s their problem.
Have fun with it!
At the end of the day, there are no strict rules to romance, and we shouldn’t be wasting sleep over them. Once you see dating for what it really is, getting to know people and trying them on, you’ll realize how fun it actually is. And if you happen to get hurt? That’s fine too. I wouldn’t have this clarity if I had never put my foot in my mouth or rejected that free drink. It’s all about being smart and using your past experiences to navigate the future ones — not repeat them.