I’m a simple girl. If you cast Jonathan Bailey, Scarlett Johansson, and Cam Cameron from TSITP in a movie about dinosaurs, I will beeline to the movie theater so fast that the employees are scared. And that’s exactly what I did. Since I hadn’t watched any of the Jurassic Park movies before (I know, sue me), I was missing some context behind Jurassic World Rebirth, which slightly unsettled me. As always, my TikTok FYP knew what to show me, and after watching countless T. rex roars, Spinosaurus edits, and weirdly addicting video game clips (you should see them for yourself), I decided to watch the movies in chronological order and see what the big fuss was about. So, without further ado, here is my ranking of the Jurassic Park franchise that literally no one asked for, but I’m doing anyway.
Sorry in advance if we disagree, it’s all fun and games here!
7. Jurassic World Rebirth
It feels unfair to compare a standalone film to two beloved trilogies, so that’s my main reason for putting it in last place. While I enjoyed the movie and it ultimately pushed me to revisit the entire series, that’s all the credit I’ll give it. Plot-wise, it was basic. And forgive me when I say this, but I needed someone in that family to die. Once everyone arrived (or should I say crashed) on the island, there were already two deaths with zero build-up, and the story split into two plots with no real connection. What really annoyed me about this movie, though, is how they scrapped the entire storyline of dinosaurs co-existing with the modern world. What was the point of setting that up if you’re just gonna kill them and banish them to the equator? Also, enough with the mutations!! I understand not wanting to reuse the same dinosaurs in every movie, but that D. rex just looked like a plain old monster. I’ll say it again, the best part about this movie was the cast, and it seems like they knew that because they did not spend much time in the writers’ room.
6. Jurassic World: Dominion
Based on the rankings I’ve seen, this is far from an unpopular opinion, so I’m confident in my decision. I loved seeing the original cast back together and the addition of so many new dinosaurs, but it was all a bit much, to say the least. There were too many storylines happening at once, and the fact that the main conflict was caused by genetically altered locusts was quite ridiculous to me. If all they needed was a sample of Maisie’s blood, what was the need to kidnap her, take her all across the world, and then not expect her parents to go looking for her? However, the ending made up for all the messiness by wrapping up Blue’s story, finally getting Alan and Ellie together, and giving Wu some sort of redemption with those locusts.
5. The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Okay, let me explain. This movie was… how do I say this nicely? Not my favorite. In fact, I would put it on the same level as Dominion based on how likely I would rewatch it (hint: not much). I know this is a fan favorite, but I couldn’t help feeling annoyed at everyone on that island — starting with the little girl who had no business following her dad, whoever Julianne Moore played getting too close to those dinosaurs, and the 30+ people setting up camp as if they weren’t surrounded by dangerous predators. To make matters worse, when I thought it was finally over, there were still 30 minutes left of that T. rex wreaking havoc in suburbia, which I didn’t hate, but I was so checked out that I didn’t really care. Ultimately, my big issue with the film is that I didn’t care for any of the characters except Ian (Jeff Goldblum can do no wrong in my eyes), and everyone was plain stupid.
4. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Similarly to Dominion, I went into this movie with low expectations, yet I was pleasantly surprised. It was the first time that I felt how far unchecked greed can take someone, considering Eli killed his father and didn’t think twice about auctioning off the very lethal Indoraptor. It was sad to see Isla Nublar and all the dinosaurs engulfed in smoke (that Brachiosaurus scene made me tear up), but weirdly felt like it was supposed to happen. Following Ian’s speech in the courtroom about nature taking matters into its own hands, I couldn’t help but agree. As long as dinosaurs exist, humans will find a way to profit from them, no matter how disastrous the consequences. It’s a theme reflected throughout the entire franchise, but for some reason, it really clicked in this film. And of course, as evil as the Indoraptor was, I enjoyed watching it maul everyone in its path because, honestly, they played with fire and they deserved it.
3. Jurassic Park III
So you’re telling me that world-renowned paleontologist Alan Grant, who was recently traumatized by dinosaurs, agreed to fly to another dinosaur-infested island just because a rich couple wanted a private tour for their honeymoon? And then that couple turned out to be divorced, middle-class, and secretly searching for their missing son? … Sure, why not! Between the monstrous Spinosaurus, a teenage boy surviving on that island for eight weeks, and that annoyingly catchy ringtone, this movie was CAMP at its finest, and I’m not complaining about it. It was also the first film where they showcased different dinosaurs like the Spinosaurus and Pteranodon, while still giving the T. rex and raptors their time to shine. The dinosaur sequences made me forget the silly plot, earning it the third spot.
2. Jurassic World
Okay, I have a confession to make. I sort of lied when I said I hadn’t watched any Jurassic movie before Rebirth, because I actually watched Jurassic World when it first came out in theaters. To be fair, I barely remembered the plot because my twelve-year-old brain was too busy crushing on Nick Robinson, so let’s just consider it my first time. I absolutely loved this movie and how it showed a functional dinosaur theme park, proving that it’s not totally unhinged…it can just go wrong very fast. The Indominus rex was the franchise’s first formal mutation, and it was really cool, especially when they found out it could camouflage itself. What really cemented my love for this movie, though, was Claire running from the T. rex in heels (badass) and the epic dino fight at the end when they all teamed up to defeat the Indominus. For once, it was refreshing to see dinosaurs fighting something other than humans.
1. Jurassic Park
Finally, and somewhat obviously, I had to put the original on top. How could I not? It started everything. While I usually find old movies boring (oops), this one was actually entertaining. The dinosaurs look surprisingly realistic, and oftentimes scarier than the new ones, helping the film stand the test of time. It also produced some of the most iconic scenes and quotes in movie history: the Jell-O scene, the T. rex with the falling banner, “Life finds a way,” and my personal favorite, “Dinosaur kills man, woman inherits the Earth.”
Phew! That was hard. Hopefully, I didn’t make any enemies with that rating. Overall, while I do have my favorites, I can confidently say that there are no bad Jurassic Park movies. Maybe I’m just a sucker for dinosaurs, but I was super invested in the series and honestly mad that I hadn’t watched it earlier. I’m not sure if Rebirth is the start of a new trilogy or if it’ll stay a standalone, but I can confirm that I will be keeping up with any new installments and adjusting my ranking accordingly.
If anyone has suggestions for movie series I should watch next, feel free to add a comment! One of the perks of being in my unemployed era is that I can binge-watch as many movies as I please, and I will NOT be taking that for granted.